Fear Within Me

Within me is a vortex. A vortex spiraling, shifting and transforming my soul. Each peer within only stirs it – causing me pain in the process. So I open my eyes trying to look outward at the world around me. I continue searching for some form of joy to distract myself from this torment, but all I find are more reasons to peer within myself.

I doubt myself more then anything else; I harm myself more then anyone else,

I hate myself more then anyone else,

I curse myself more then anyone else…

I also wish for my own happiness more then anyone else.

Some days though the tears want too eagerly flow, but they wont. A man shouldn’t cry, yet… When the man within is needed the most a scared, desperate child takes control instead. All my pent up frustrations, the fears, truths and sadness of it all comes crashing down onto me which forces me to concede.

How is one such as myself suppose to bear all this anger, all of this hate and fear. A bright future full of smiles and laughter is all I desire. I need not be wealthy or surrounded by crowds chanting my name. Simplicity is all I crave, yet with each peer I grow more unsure and scared of what is to come.

Sometimes who I am escapes me and leaves me full of holes. Who am I? What are you chasing? Are we happy?! Am I me? Where are you going? Where are we going?! Is my dream going to come true?!?! Are you going to be homeless? Will we ever change?

These constant struggles within myself tear me apart. I spiral out of control and lose my sense of self. My doubts grow more, my confidence even more so. Only more questions are asked with the solutions seeming to be further from my grasp. Peering within myself again I find no answers… All I find is more fear – another reason to cry or anther reason to stop trying.

Within me is all I have, so who else is there to consult? To share my pain with or to comfort me, yet even I know It seems spoiled. Bad with the bad, but no good to even things out. Letting this vortex spin me around until nothing is nowhere, but everything is here and somewhere is someplace around there.

I lose myself when my eyes are closed, but why open them to see what I already know.

What I already fear?

Why not hide and try to cry myself to sleep?

Because that scares me as well.

No comfort or support to had in the world and none within our own heart.

I grow tired of these days. Long and lasting, yet short and sweet. A soul is nothing if not resilient, but for how long? Will I last if this war within myself continues? Not a clue. Will I find happiness if I continue on like this? Not a clue. Can I obtain my goals with my mind and soul shifting so much? Not. A. Clue.

Though each day I must rise to live only to repeat it until we either change or can no longer continue. Though this struggling is starting to become to much for me. The fear within me swallow’s me whole and absorbs all the hope I have. Though each day I must rise and each rise comes with the truth of my life.

That maybe I am not meant to be successful – that all there is for me is “The Struggle.” This truth of mine…. This solitary truth causes me to peer within and only absorbs my happiness, yet nothing ever changes.

Rinse and repeat.

Rinse and repeat.

Rinse and repeat.

Nothing else happens within my day to day, so I peer within to speak to myself and here I find a moment of comfort surrounded by a spiraling swirl of doubt and self-loathing. Within there is comfort, but only at the cost of our happiness. A constant cycle that is like an addiction – so hard to break free, but easy to lose oneself once it grabs hold.

I want to strive! to do better, to be better. To truly live and not be let down. To reach for the stars and still believe that on one random night – I shall catch one. To still believe it is okay to be a kid and ask for help. To be shown the way when I am lost in the dark.

Is that a lot to ask for? To hope for? Within myself I would believe so, but on the outside we still look for that helping hand. Hoping that one day someone will help. Maybe I sound spoiled, or maybe I believe I need a super hero. All I really want is help.

Help to live.

Help to smile.

Help to explore.

Help to be better, to do better.

Because this vortex spiraling out of control is tearing me apart, so much so, that even I recognize the need for assistances to free myself.

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